Your Website Sucks, Blizzard

Blizzard, I’m pissed off.

I’m not pissed off about game mechanics or class balance or anything that’s actually in the game itself. I’m pissed off about the World of Warcraft website and how badly you neglect it. Sure on the outside it looks like a nice website with lots of nifty features, but it’s truly a piece of shit.

The Knowledge Center

Did you know it existed? Probably not. The only way you can find it is through Google or clicking on a misleading “Support Articles” link in tiny dark brown font on the bottom of the dark brown page. There’s also a link under the tiny “Support” in the upper right corner on the top gray bar. You’ll be taken to an intro page where you can select the game you want “support” for and you’re presented with a homepage full of links to outdated, duplicated, neglected articles. It’s not a “Knowledge Center” but rather a collection of piss-poor excuses for knowledgeable articles.

• Outdated information is everywhere. Nothing has been updated for what seems like years.
• Most of the articles are vague or give unclear directions for troubleshooting.
• There are up to eight duplicates of the same article, each more badly-written than the next.
• Typos. Everywhere. Fucking spellcheck, you dumbasses.
• It’s incredibly hard to find in the first place if you don’t know that it already exists. See the Twitter conversation on the right.
• It’s also incredibly hard to use and isn’t search-friendly in the slightest.
• Dead links to non-Blizzard websites abound because no one has maintained them or provided a feedback feature.

If we the players can’t figure out exactly what kind of names are banned or exactly what to do when troubleshooting, what happens? We go to the forums to get help. Where do the folks on the forums get their experience? Not the Knowledge Center.

Here’s a recurring problem we have in the Newbie forum. Folks on trial accounts have questions about the trial account restrictions such as limitations on chat channels, trading, grouping, etc. I’m happy to answer those questions. But wait, Blizzard changed the restrictions on trial accounts when they started the “Starter edition” shitstorm and they didn’t announce the changes. Now I’m telling new players incorrect information and it pisses me off to no end. I don’t like misleading people. I don’t like making mistakes because someone else fucked up and gave me the wrong information.

This a link to the “Starter Edition FAQ” on the Knowledge Base:
http://us.blizzard.com/support/article.xml?locale=en_US&articleId=20590

Normally I would just tell you to search for it using the search box, but searching for “starter edition,” “starter edition faq,” and “starter account restrictions” turns up nothing. I’m not surprised.

Below is my revised version of the beginning of the page (click to view full size):

The amount of pain, confusion and bickering in the Newbie forum caused by this one shit-tastic article is astounding. The correct restrictions on the trial accounts aren’t listed, so Cerylia (another Newbie forum regular) and I resorted to creating a trial account and experimenting with chat/trade/group settings to see what the actual restrictions are now.

That’s pathetic. We shouldn’t have to guess and fool around with account settings like this in order to learn something that we can pass on to the new players. We should be able to link to an article and say:

Here’s a Blizzard support article detailing the trial account restrictions. Feel free to post back here if there’s anything you don’t understand! :)

<link goes here>

Instead we get folks who don’t understand the restrictions or think they’ve found a bug because the ones listed in the article aren’t accurate. Conflicting information abounds, and a while ago we had a serious issue in several threads over whether or not trial accounts were in the exp-off battlegrounds at level 20. After consulting many player-generated resources and folks on Twitter experimenting with accounts, we figured out that yes, trial accounts are in the twink 20-24 bracket. Is that basic information listed anywhere by Blizzard? No. That was a week long “I’m sorry, we have no fucking clue because Blizzard never told us” stint of threads.

Worse even are the disillusioned players that think your fucked up marketing team was telling the truth when it made “free to play to level 20!” banners everywhere. No, it’s not free to play. It’s a trial account without the time limit. And yet they continue to make “suggestion” threads every day suggesting that you remove the account restrictions or try to balance the game for the wannabe posers trying to twink at level 20 on a trial account. Do we have an article we can direct them to read that explains why the account restrictions are in place? No.

Can you tell how frustrating this is? And that’s just from one article. I can’t imagine how annoying it is to post in the Technical Support or Customer Support forums and not be able to link to an actual Blizzard resource on things that should be answered by you, Blizzard. Account settings and restrictions. Client troubleshooting basics. Port forwarding for multiple security programs with screenshots updated to a version from the last five years. Fucking basic information isn’t there and there’s a gaping hole in our usable resources.

Lack of Moderator/Blue Support

We were rejoicing tonight. Why? Because holy shit, a blue poster made a post in our forum about a subject that we struggle with on a daily basis: recruitment threads. We have something solid that we can link when people try to snark “Oh well I’m not recruiting for a guild but I’m recruiting charter signatures, so I can post here” after we tell them that recruitment in all forms is banned in our beloved forum.That’s truly, honestly sad. You know what I would love? For a moderator to use their lovely blue font to put up a list of guidelines that are specific to each forum. Something simple…

• Game suggestions belong in the General forum. Free to Play Trial accounts cannot post in the General forum. Please take the hint.
• Recruitment in all forms is banned here. Take it to your server or the guild recruitment forums.

Or at least update the “Welcome: Please Read!” sticky with guidelines that are specific to each forum so we can link to something relevant instead of a copy/paste job by the mods. I’m really tired of the trial account “suggestion” threads that devolve into Veterans vs Trials bickering matches on a daily basis. It’s not fun. I post there to help newbies, not put up with dumbasses who think they’re entitled to whine for free features without paying for the game. A blue post saying “Cut it out” would help immensely.

This forum is all about helping new players. That’s why a handful of regulars post every day, rain or shine, maintenance or not. We truly love teaching players how to play this awesome game but the forum and website neglect makes it very difficult. We’re just players – we can’t build the website for you, Blizzard, but some of us would LOVE to take it off your hands because you’re doing a shit job of maintaining it.There’s no sense of community between the moderators and the forums with less traffic. I think I can count the number of blue posts the Newbie forum (both the old website and new one) has had on one hand. There aren’t any fun “What was your first character?” or “How do your name your alts?” kind of threads here. I know that I harp on the rules and “No off-topic shit in my kitchen” more than anyone else, but it’s somewhat sad to feel so little love from the Blizzard employees. Am I fishing for more blue posts for the sake of blue posts? No. Would it be nice to see Crithto, who I know is a frequent moderator in our forum, or other blues pop in and say ahoy or offer up some advice or clarification on game issues (especially account issues, since we have no accurate resources HINT HINT)? Yeah, I think it would. Some sense of camaraderie or connection would be sweet. Hell, even a “thanks for helping newbies” might be nice.

Most of the time you guys are very fast to nix threads and lock necroposts. When you folks are on your A-game, the regulars take notice. It’s awesome. I’ll give you that and I’m very grateful for your speed. Keep it up.

Lack of Stickies

Because the Knowledge Center articles suck so hard, we’ve resorted to making our own informational articles. There are some freaking amazing threads that would make great stickies in our humble Newbie forum. They’ve been reported for stickying and bumped many times, but for some reason the moderators aren’t listening or even reading the threads so they fall to the bottom of the forum and aren’t referenced often. Anyone that glances at those threads would know immediately that they’re great potential resources that Blizzard doesn’t cover (especially the Expansion Upgrade List) so why don’t the mods sticky them? I don’t mean that every guide should be auto-stickied, but guides that are created to address repeated questions should be stickied.

Some of the class forums have few or no stickies because their guides are floating freely with high-rated posts that the moderators don’t seem to give a shit about. Are you kidding me? That’s the first place you go to look for leveling guides or end-game help. If your resources are at the bottom of the pile, they’re useless. The community is neglected and our hard work on writing those guides is all for naught if people can’t find them.

You Want Feedback?

You made a nice website, then you didn’t maintain it and now it’s out of date and shitty. The blues are out of touch with the readers in the lesser-traveled forums. In an effort to help other players in multiple forums, folks have written fantastic guides that are unfortunately neglected and left to rot on the bottom of the lake like the Knowledge Center. I love posting and I’m going to continue posting to help out new players, but for fuck’s sake help out the community and finish what you started.

Your Website Sucks, Blizzard

Newbie Tavern: Void and Arcanass

It had been quiet all day at the tavern. As the night dragged on, everyone was restless. The guards had gone to bed and the few folks left were either bored or nodding off.

“We haven’t had any midnight excitement for a while, have we?” Ice announced to the mostly empty room. She shuffled a deck of cards.

Xunn, a Tauren paladin, polished a glass behind the counter. “What do you mean by midnight excitement?” he asked. “Is there a show?” He wasn’t a class trainer like the others, but no one argued with the size of his biceps or his skill in pouring drinks.

“Normally odd things don’t happen here,” Cerylia explained. She pulled up a chair at the table and winked at Ice, who slid cards in her direction. “That crowd is best saved for the general bar scene. However we tend to meet strange people here after midnight.” The Farstrider took up her cards and furrowed her brow.

“Why haven’t I heard of this before?” Xunn said, watching the women play. “I haven’t been here that long but I would think I’ve seen everything by now.”

“By da time da dust clear in da morning, dere gone, da bar is straightened up, and no one else has a clue what happened,” Jilixx replied, watching her cobra slither up and down the empty bar counter. “Ice has a wicked tendency ta start fights, but no one sees da bodies she leave behind.”

“You leave bodies behind? What on earth is she talking about?” the Tauren asked, bewildered. He gawked at Ice, who casually took a sip of wine.

The claw tattoos on the Kaldorei’s face curved when she grinned. “What? It’s not like I truly kill them. I just have a silver tongue.”

“Silver tongue indeed,” Cerylia remarked, rolling her eyes. “How many times have I had to bail you out of a bar fight?”

Ice hesitated, looked down at her wine glass, and smiled. “Several? I can make it up to you, you know.” She waggled her long wispy brows and blew Cerylia a kiss.

The Sin’dorei woman laughed. “Like you made it up to those Sentinels you were getting cozy with earlier? I think I’ll pass.”

Suddenly a warlock and mage burst into the bar.

“HELLO LITTLE ONES. WE ARE HERE!” the pair announced. Fire danced at their fingertips, but the flames faded once they realized the bar was nearly empty.

“Can I help you, friends?” Xunn asked. “The tavern is empty at this time of night.”

“So two idiots walk into a bar,” Ice mumbled behind her cards. Cerylia giggled.

“Where are all the newbies?” the warlock asked. She was a blonde human with a confused expression, though her Forsaken counterpart looked angry. His head was tilted at a strange angle and one eye rolled back in his head.

“They’ve mostly gone home or retired for the night,” Xunn replied. “You’re welcome to pull up a chair and have a --”

“WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!” the mage shouted at Cerylia. “DO NOT LAUGH AT ME.” His head tilted the other direction. Jilixx’s cobra hissed at the sudden yelling.

Ice’s back was turned to the man and she silently mouthed “dumbass” to Cerylia. Choking back a giggle fit, the huntress looked up from her cards and replied, “Wasn’t laughing at you, sorry.” She kicked Ice under the table. The druid winced when the hard boot connected with her shin.

“Um, we have a show for the newbies about Horde and Alliance combat in the upper ranks,” the warlock said to Xunn, smiling. “My name is Void, and this is my partner Arcanass.”

Ice snorted, prompting Jilixx and Cerylia to start giggling. The druid turned around to address the newcomers. “Upper ranks? Why are you two here then?” She motioned to the door. “The casters and fel-tainted creatures in another bar down the way would be more interested.”

“Not ta mention da warlords and marshals in de lounges would be happy ta see a show,” Jilixx added.

“No no no,” said Arcanass, his other eye rolling forward normally. “We’re here to teach newbies how to engage each other at high ranking combat. You wouldn’t get it since you obviously aren’t ranked.”

Xunn gave a great belly laugh and put away the glass he was cleaning. “Neither are you two. Not a badge or commendation in sight. The season started weeks ago so either you’re either brand new to the gladiator ring or you have no clue what you’re doing.”

“I’d wager both,” Ice remarked. “And it would seem we have a midnight show tonight.”

“Yes, we’re a show!” Void said, clapping excitedly.

“You’re blonde, aren’t you?” the Kaldorei deadpanned.

“Yes, why?” the woman replied, twirling a lock of her golden hair.

Ice looked sideways at Cerylia and quirked a brow. “Void of all thought,” she snickered. Cerylia kicked her under the table again.

“I’m obviously good so I don’t need to prove anything to you!” the mage shrieked. His neck made a horrendous cracking sound and one of his eyes rolled in its socket. Jilixx’s cobra hissed again and flattened its hood.

“If ya’ll ah so damn good at spells and such,” Jilixx challenged, “den ya could hit dat bug on de raftahs up dere wit ya eyes closed.” She pointed at a moth fluttering around on the ceiling at the back of the tavern. The tavern had a high ceiling and the moth was thirty feet off the ground.

Ice pulled a gold coin from the chest area of her robe and rolled it on her fingers. “This is yours if you can do it.”

“Sure, I can do that!” Void chirped. She put her hand over her eyes and started forming a fireball in her other hand.

“Oh no no, you’re probably peeking through your fingers,” Xunn said. He pointed at the warlock and a sharp, bright light shot across the room.

“AGH MY EYES!” the woman screamed. “YOU BLINDED ME!”

“It’s temporary. Now hit the moth,” the Tauren chuckled.

Void created a small fireball and drew her arm back, then took aim. All she could see was a white light and her stance was crooked. She threw the fireball with all her might towards the moth.

Unfortunately her aim was as bad as her stance. The fireball was deflected off a lower rafter and flew toward Ice’s table. Cerylia kicked her chair backwards just in time but Ice didn’t move. In a snap her skin and robe turned to solid bark and the fireball fizzed out on contact. The gold coin she had been holding fell on the table.

Xunn removed the blinding spell and Void bounced on her heels. “Did I hit it?” she asked.

“No…no you didn’t,” Cerylia said, gawking at the druid. “Ice, are you okay?”

“Dis ain’t gonna end well. Bodies on da floor,” Jilixx said. “An’ dat’s a druid trick. Barky skin can protect dem druids from heat.”

Ice exhaled and relaxed. The bark faded and she rolled her shoulders to shake off the stiff feeling. “Yes, I’m fine.” She turned to the warlock, who looked as surprised as Cerylia. “Your aim is shit. You’re not a ranking officer or gladiator.”

Arcanass twitched his fingers and cackled. “I don’t have to prove anything! I am a gladiator by default! FOR SYLVANAS!” He threw an ice lance at the moth, but missed by several feet. Instead he managed to hit a hanging lamp, which fell to the floor and shattered.

Cerylia sighed. “The guards are going to be here in the morning to make you pay for that.”

“I am only replying to newbies who seek assistance,” Arcanass said. His eye rolled backwards again.

Jilixx looked around the bar, confused. “But…dere aren’t any newbies here now. Just us.”

“I am only replying to newbies who seek assistance,” Arcanass repeated, staring with one eye off into the distance. The troll shrugged.

Void finally spoke up about her pitch. “I’m still good! I promise! I just can’t go to the other bars because I haven’t paid up my tabs.”

“So enlist in the Alliance forces or join the gladiator ranks this season and get paid so you can go where you belong,” Cerylia said. “Your little show doesn’t belong here.”

“NEWBIES THAT SEEK ASSISTANCE!” the Forsaken blurted out to no one in particular. He was still just standing there staring off into space. Everyone gave him a weird look for a few seconds then continued the conversation.

“Fine. I don’t care. I’ll be back tomorrow,” Void wailed. She stomped out of the tavern in a huff, leaving her companion standing in the middle of the room.

“Hey! Take yah friend wit yah! We don’ want him!” Jilixx called after her. There was no response.

Xunn picked up another glass and addressed his own reflection. “Midnight excitement indeed. What are we going to do with him now?”

“I PROVE NOTHING TO YOU!” Arcanass screamed. He threw his arms up and cast Blink while one of his eyes was still rolled back into his head. The lack of depth perception caused him to teleport into a wall with a loud thud. He hit the ground and fell silent.

“At least he’ll shut up for the night,” Ice commented, yawning. She looked down at her cards and nudged the coin on the table next to the deck. “Any aces?”

Cerylia fanned her cards and shook her head. “Go fish.”

Newbie Tavern: Void and Arcanass

Newbie Tavern Recruitment

Allow me to preface these shenanigans with an explanation. I post regularly in the New Player Help & Guides forum and we have a lot of stereotypical threads. We laugh, we give advice, and we have an interesting group dynamic. Between writing my serious pieces of fiction I started a comical, non-factual series of shorts based on the threads in the forum. This is the first one.

Enjoy!

---

Two ogre guards sat under an awning outside a tavern, sipping lemonades in the summer heat. They were enthralled with the tiny umbrellas that accompanied their drinks, which were provided free of charge from the tavern in exchange for their somewhat intimidating presence.

“What color yours, Crith?” one asked the other. He held up his own umbrella. “Pink!”

“Got green!” Crith replied, fishing the umbrella out of his drink. “Pink is nice, Drok.”

“Pink is girl color,” Drok said gaily, spinning the stick between his fat fingers, “but Drok like pink anyway.”

“Pink?” a harsh voice spat. “If you know anything, gold is where it’s at.” A Forsaken man in a flawless tuxedo stood before the guards, leaning on a diamond-tipped cane. A pumpkin covered his head, but the cynical face carved into the gourd moved as he spoke.

“Mister Harlan!” the guards said in unison. They nearly dropped their umbrellas.

“Uh,” stammered Drok, “We n-not see you there. T-Tavern welcome y-you.” He pushed the door open for the well-known patron.

“Enjoy your umbrellas,” Harlan said over his shoulder in a voice that sounded like a corpse being dragged down a gravel road.

Despite the scorching temperatures outside, the tavern was very cool. It was a common refuge for class trainers and combat veterans trying to escape the heat and relax at the end of the day. Cold beverages flowed and banter between the regulars ensued. Trainees regularly stopped in to ask questions and seek advice from the seasoned crowd.

Not everything was peaceful though.

“It’s not allowed here. Take it elsewhere.”  A  Kaldorei woman in a dark green leather robe was staring daggers over the rim of a wine glass at a blonde human holding a flyer. A thick book was sitting on her table and she looked like she was going to throw it if the conversation continued.

“I’m not allowed anywhere else!” the human pleaded, waving the flyer. “I have to come here!” He didn’t notice Harlan standing right behind him.

“What brings you here?” the Forsaken asked, standing a little too close. The man whirled around and nearly fell backwards when he saw the pumpkin staring at him.

“I, um… I’m here to put up a flyer advertising my guild,” he muttered, clutching the paper tightly. He pointed at the druid. “But that thing won’t let me!”

The druid scowled and sipped her wine. “Dumbass.”

“Ah, I see,” Harlan said, placing a bony hand on the man’s shoulder. “That would be Miss Icedragon. She’s no threat unless you’re a Darnassian Sentinel or Cerylia over there.” He nodded toward a pair of Sin’dorei sitting dangerously close to one another in a booth.

At the mention of her name, the flame-haired Farstrider looked up from nuzzling her strapping, well-muscled escort. Her green eyes flickered when she blinked. “What?”

“Nothing, sweetheart,” Ice snickered. “Go back to your luscious companion.”

Cerylia stuck her tongue out at the druid and resumed stroking her Death Knight’s dark red hair. He grinned happily and never said a word.

“Now then,” Harlan continued, leaning on his cane, “we have rules here that everyone must follow. Read them. Follow them. It’s a simple system that even an incoherent fleshling like you can comprehend.” He turned the man toward a large poster tacked on the wall next to the door. The rules were written by multiple people in different handwriting, but one thing was written in large red letters at the top: No recruitment allowed.

“I know, but I’m not allowed into the other bars where recruitment is permitted!” the man protested, waving the flyer. “How else am I expected to recruit?!”

“Ya not gonna, mon,” a troll huntress answered from the bar. A cobra was coiled around her shoulders, hissing. “Ya can eitha leave of ya own acco’d or widdout da use of ya own legs. Choice is yahs.” She stroked the serpent lovingly and smiled, showing her tusks.

While the man was fussing, Harlan pocketed something and took a measured step back. “Incoming.”

“I’m not leaving!” the man yelled. “Not until you people – ACK!” He was cut short as one of the ogres stomped inside.

“NO RECRUIT ALLOWED! BAD BOY! YOU LEAVE NOW!” Drok bellowed. He grabbed the trespasser by the collar of his shirt and dragged him outside, narrowly missing the well-dressed Forsaken. Laughter echoed in the tavern and another round of drinks was poured. The flyer fluttered to the floor.

Harlan picked up the wrinkled paper and turned it over. The parchment suddenly burst into flames and fell to the floor in ashes.

“Clevah trick,” the huntress observed. “Don’ suppose he’ll be needin’ it.”

“Not where he’s heading, Jilixx,” Harlan replied. “It was drawn in a horrendous color anyway.”

The pumpkin smirked as the Forsaken walked up the stairs to the upper level, where he reclined in his reserved chair overlooking the bar. He pulled a gold coin from his pocket and rolled it between his fingers, clicking against exposed bone.

“Gold is where it’s at.”

Newbie Tavern Recruitment